Table for One
I don't think you can split the bill this time.
A while ago, I was on the phone with a childhood friend, and we were catching each other up on life. At a certain point in the call, I share that I came back from eating at a restaurant, then asked her if she was going out soon.
She shared that she had plans with someone, but they ended up not being able to come. I asked her, “Why don’t you just go by yourself?” She began to share how she feels awkward sitting in a public space, alone, and how she would much rather wait until one of her friends was available.
As she was saying this, I was perplexed.
Breaking news: D3OL discovers social anxiety.
Like I was understanding the words coming out of her mouth, but I wasn’t processing how she was withholding herself from potential good times because people weren’t able.
It was at this point when I shared the same words that my DJ buddy, Kenji, shared with me when I was preparing for my first show.
btw, I have a DJ set that plays every Saturday, and upload my mixes, so check it out!
He said, “If it makes you feel any better, no one’s listening.“
When he said that, I was first like “Dang, no one is listening to my show.” :/ But then I realized, if noone is truly listening to me, then I can really do whatever I want! I can practice transitions, and experiment with different genres, and concepts. How could this way of thinking come to mind if I didn’t dedicate time to figure what I liked, and where I can go to be in an environment conducive to that.
In this phase of life, it’s important for a person to spend time alone. ‘Cause how can you know:
What you like.
Who you like.
why you like.
If you don’t purposefully spend time by yourself to figure that out. Now, it’s good to do this in moderation because you don’t want to be by yourself for extended periods of time. Or worse, being by yourself, “pressing that phone.” You become chronically online, bring that online dialect (which is really just a bastardization of AAVE), and talking points to the real world, then wonder why it’s difficult to start, and maintain new relationships.
Now, you may be wondering to yourself, “How can I figure out who I am? Where do I even start?“ Before I answer that, please note that doing this takes work and effort. All that “That’s OD.“, and “It’s never that deep.“ Leave that where it belongs.
Will want the world to treat you with respect, when you yourself don’t even believe you are worth the effort.
Real Spill. (did I use it right?)
I’ll probably do an in-depth post about figuring out what you like, but one method you could try is figuring out what you don’t like, then go from there. You’d essentially be working backwards.
Using myself as an example, I don’t drink, nor do I like loud noises in places where socializing is expected. With those two things in mind, I am probably not going to frequent the club or the bar. Things like museums, dine-in theaters, hikes in nature would be settings that align with those parameters.
When you have a list of what you think you might like, that’s when you can start planning the time to try them out. Below this paragraph, is a video of me engaging in activities I find interesting.
One thing you’ll notice in the video is that I am not actively interacting with anyone. Maybe you’ll hear the occasional background conversation, but those don’t have anything to do with me. Majority of the time, people are focused on doing things that fulfill their needs. If a stranger had to choose between you, and a phone to give their attention to…
Right.
As you are developing your taste, it is natural to want to be surrounded by people who share those interests. There’s a moderate correlation between the environment one spends their time in, and the type of people that congregate there. You probably aren’t going to find people discussing machine learning whitepapers at a Sabrina Carpenter concert.
Only waiting to try new things when your friends are available will only delay where you want to be. Thing is, you already know how this feels like. You carpooled to a party with your friends, time passes and it’s time to go. Not so fast, the rest of your friends didn’t get that memo, so now, you’re stuck in an environment that is no longer conducive to your state of mind (This one was a bit of a reach, but you get the idea).
Last thing I’ll share is that it’s also easier to approach people who are alone in these environments, and the opposite is true. It’s easier for a stranger to potentially approach you, if you are by yourself.
I have mainly shared my support for alone time, but like all things in life, there needs to be balance. Earlier in this read, I mentioned how one shouldn’t spend too much time by themselves. Doing so, will make it difficult to interact with people who do share your interests and beliefs.
However (a very big however)
It will also make it difficult to interact with people who don’t share your interests and beliefs. How? Being surrounded by an interest group for majority of the time creates an echo chamber. Points and concepts are being re-iterated to the point of it becoming their truth. Pair this with the growing trend of substituting in-person interactions with online ones, and you have socially-stunted, pompous individuals, who are hard with interact with.
Incels/Femcels are good examples of this.
Now, I get it. Some of you may believe you don’t have the best social skills and in response, not very social because of it. The thing is, how can you get better at being social, if you aren’t social. No amount of resources will allow to circumvent that.
That’s all I got.
‘Course I can’t end this post without a call to action, and some media recommendations. I got you.
This post’s call to action wants you to create a physical list of what you don’t like to do, then find things to do that contrast that. When you find something, and a place where that activity is facilitated, then look to interact with one person that DOES NOT work there. Employees are usually obligated to speak to customers.
The song recommendation for this post is inspired by what you need to start getting more of. This is fresh air by kezia.